Harrowed Comraderie
by TwilightSakura
Summary: So, what are your party members doing right now? You know you want to click it. ;)


Disclaimer: I don't own dothack. If I did, I would be driving by you right now in my gold-plated limo, flashing my "bling" and "ice" and "BBQ sauce." What do you mean the last one isn't slang? Of course it is! I also don't own Froot Loops, Spongebob, or Gilligan's Island. I'm really more of a Cookie Crisp sort of girl and I'd much rather watch Madlax than Spongebob. And Gilligan is a dork (and possibly a little too much of a "buddy" to Skipper if you catch my drift).

Author's notes: First, I'd like to thank **flamemage** for helping me come up with the idea to begin with. If we weren't sitting in the back of her minivan for an hour or so, babbling about PopTarts and A drives and Piros being a total dork and Mia/Elk being AWOL 95 of the time, this fic would never have happened. Which might be a good thing, but I digress…

Anyway, I decided to base Kite a bit off of Shugo from .hackDUSK (ueden? Udenden?) since he really doesn't have a personality in the game. Shugo's a hapless perv with some pretty crappy luck. Yeah, I didn't do him much of a service, huh? Well, I'm off to enjoy the wonders of Cookie Crisp and old episodes of InuYasha. Enjoy!

Go, gay pirates, go!

It was one of those boring Saturdays. You know, the kind where all one wants to do is flop on the sofa and munch on Foot Loops while watching old episodes of Spongebob and Gilligan's Island.

So this Saturday with it's overcast gray gloom found Froot Loop sales booming and barely 2 of the population doing anything remotely productive (that is, assuming that a 40-year-old man trying his darndest to squeeze into an old Sailor Senshi outfit is productive). Kit, however, is a Hero and thus mustn't flop like the rest of the population. He had tried desperately to "flop" but soon discovered that his monitor cable didn't reach the couch. He also found that someone had deleted all those episodes of Spongebob he had downloaded from some Taiwanese website. And, worst of all, someone went and deleted all those links to the best porn sites on the web that he had not spent three years gleaning (wink wink). In the end, Kite resigned himself to being Productive and trying to save all mankind by playing an online RPG.

No, I'm serious.

So, hand partway in a box of Froot Loops, Kite logged in.

Meanwhile, on the other side of town, Mia was returning home from her extraordinarily ironic day job as the Easter bunny (pfft!).

Life sucks, huh?

This was precisely what Mia was thinking upon entering her humble abode. She here her bunny head on the couch and headed to the kitchen with half a mind to make a margarita. The other half was stuck to the top of the bunny head.

"Um…" said a meek voice from the kitchen, "do you mind unchaining me from the fridge?"

"Shut up, Elk."

"But, but…I really have to go to the bathroom."

"You're such a whiner."

Mia undid Elk's chains and he fluttered down the hall.

She flopped onto the couch (nearly squashing her bunny head) and began watching Mr. Sensei's Happy Entertaining Rabid Cow Show.

"Hem. This is so boring…"

At that point, Elk returned from his bathroom voyage (i.e. he discovered that hairbrushes can indeed be flushed down the toilet). Mia glanced up and spotted Elk's damp shirt. Wet t-shirt beer club party! (Yeah, my mind really works that way too)

"We're having a party!"

Elk looked at the flopped Mia, bemused.

"As long as I don't end up glued to the ceiling again."

By 2:15 PM, basically everybody Mia knew since her conception had been invited to her wild, booze-filled party and by 2:17 PM, everyone had arrived. A couple of interesting things were learned that day.

For one thing, BlackRose (as named by her emo-hippy parents) is an angry drunk. She ended up in a bloody catfight with Mistral.

"I think Kite likes me better. He gives me more items (XP)."

"Well, yanno wha'? Kite'sh mah bitch!"

And she punched Mistral, who promptly seized a lamp and began to beat hippieRose senseless. Yay, catfight!

Second, Balmung can hold his sake way better than Piros. Partway through their drinking contest, Piros leaped across the table and began snogging Balmung. Which means that Kite has unsuspectingly been ousted as Piros' love interest. I'm sure he'll be very disappointed. Fortunately, Balmung managed to break free by chucking a block of wood at Piros. And then he kept drinking. Can you blame him?

Finally, the best glue for adhering Elk to the ceiling happens to be industrial-strength rubber cement.

About halfway through the party, BlackRose regained consciousness and toddle drunkenly over to Mia.

"Yo, Mia. Where's mah bitch?"

"Kite? I dunno. I invited him. He was _supposed_ to bring the stripper."

At that moment, a knock sounded at the door. Elk, who had fallen from the ceiling minutes before, answered the door. An extraordinarily angry Siberian lumberjack stood there, glaring.

"You live here?"

"Um…yes…"

He punched Elk.

"Stop spamming me!" With that, he rolled on his log all the way back to Siberia.

Elk, bleeding profusely and still somewhat sticky, noticed a copy of the e-mail Mia sent lying in the hall.

"Mia! Mia!" he cried, running over. "You sent Kite's e-mail to an angry Siberian lumberjack!"

Meanwhile, in The World, Kite had given up calling his party members.

"What the hell are they doing that's more important than the fate of humanity?"

Actually, at that very moment, Mistral was bleeding all over the carpet, BlackRose was upchucking in a nearby flowerpot, and Balmung was swinging from a chandelier.

"Screw them. I'm gonna hijack a Grunty and go be a Siberian lumberjack."

And our grand Hero, who had the fate of humanity resting on his poofy shoulders, rode off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

Wait…damn!

So, I have a thing for Siberian lumberjacks. That shouldn't stop you from reviewing! Please, do it for the children! Do it for the ideals of Democracy! Do it for the pseudo-yaoi love scene I put it there! Do it for all the 40-year-old men in Sailor Senshi costumes!

Wait, scratch the last one.

Above all, do it for the gay pirates!

Review, that is.


End file.
